The Struggle is REAL

I have been described by my friends as being fearless, and granted for the most part that is true. However just like everyone else, I have flaws and insecurities. One of my biggest insecurities is my height, and that it will keep me from getting what I want. ie mainly love. I am so scared of not finding legit true love because of my height that it causes me to get stressed out and my anxiety comes into play.

 Now I'm not one of those lovesick girls who falls for any guy who gives her attention. No, I've played that game before and it is not fun, that's for sure! Nor am I the girl who plays the victim and says dumb stuff like, "I'm swearing off guys" or "I'm just going to join a convent"  or "I hate boys they are all the same" That is just negativity and your insecurities taking control way too much. There have been many instances where I have started to like a guy but for some reason or another it doesn't work.. obviously because I don't have a ring on my lil ole finger.... Anyways, its not that the guys that I see are pushing me aside because of my height, but the anxiety and insecurities scream that my height IS in fact the reason. 

This insecurity has a name, a friend of mine named it JesSI pronounced {jess-sigh}. When this person comes out I get super stressed and act not myself. I act like a crazy person especially about matters of the heart. And well lets face it our "crazy sides" aren't always the best people, be it dealing with a relationship or making decisions. Anyways after explaining that I can get off this weird tangent and get back to my point. 

Over the years I have been trying more and more to overcome this insecurity and become someone whom is just what my friends describe me as.. fearless. Harder done that just thinking about being like that. It has been a lot of fake it till you make it kind of thing. Most of the time when people think I have it together, inside I am either freaking out or feel like I am about to cry, because I am so anxious and afraid that I am making things worse for myself. I have almost the constant battle with myself between how to act around people so that they can get to know the real me. A million possibilities go through my head like: will they accept me as who I am, will they accept me for being tall, can I be myself around these people, is what I am trying to say/explain making sense to anyone? am I ruining my chances of being friends with these people because I don't know how to be myself around them without ... so many things that this root height insecurity just brings up and ugh it is a vicious circle in my head. All the while the only thing I know how to do is to fake this "fearlessness" I act really outgoing, I talk to people I normally wouldn't, I do dumb crazy things. All to try and get my mind away for the crazy JesSI... While I am putting this facade I feel like I over think things, but that's not me, that's the crazy JesSI. the battle between JesSI and myself is rough. 

The struggle is REAL.

However, even with all this going on in my head and my heart, I am still willing to put myself out there. AND I will continue to put myself out there and just see where things go and try, really try, not to worry about things. Keep stupid JesSI in check! 

fyi: I am not like this 24/7, this is just one facet of my life that I have to deal with occasionally.