So this post is all about my love life, or well the lack of it, ha ha. Recently I have been having these strange dreams about a friend of mine, with whom I had a LD (long distance) fling with. It was long distance because right now he is on his mission. Anyways I had developed feelings for him and he had led me onto believe that his feelings were the same, unfortunately they were not. He said he was caught up in the moment and just went with things. So I moved on and forgave him, because he is one of my best friends and I still wanted a friendship with him. So having moved on I fell into another boys trap, of catching feelings and then him disappearing on me, never to talk to me again. Now after this had happened a few times I was getting tired of it and only recently did I make a conscious and subconscious decision to change the pattern that I had been in.
Let me first clarify the pattern or habit that I am ending. Usually when I meet a guy I start to catch feelings for them before anything serious happens. I try to stop and not get ahead of myself and am usually able to keep from showing the "caught feels". However as per the pattern when the guy starts to show the slightest bit that he want to be with me, the feels start to come out and either he gets scared away or he gets what he wants, usually a kiss, just one kiss and then boom he stops talking to me and I am left hurt and a little broken.
Well enough is enough. The other day I had a dream that I was talking with my brother and cousins and they were asking me about a guy I was talking to (a person I was actually talking to) and they were like whats going on with him. And in my dream I said that he hadn't talked to me in over a week and if he wasn't going to put in the effort to contact me then why should I try to contact him, he obviously is not worth my time. When I woke up from that dream I started to really internalize that. I started to really realize that if their actions don't reflect that they are interested in being with me then I don't really need to waste my time with them, romantically at least. What I am meaning to say is that if the guy is not consistently showing with his words and actions that he wants to be with me then I am not going to get attached. I mean they could just be a cool friend who has a very flirtatious personality.
I'm tired of being hurt, and I need to protect myself. But protecting your heart doesn't mean you can act like you don't have one. It just means, to me at least, that you act more wisely with your feelings. rein them in when things aren't even serious.
Coming to this decision has made me feel really calm and at ease with my love life, or like I said above, the non-existent one. Since stopping communication with the last guy I don't feel hurt really, because when he withdrew, so did I. I didn't try to keep the connection alive when he wasn't putting in effort. Simply put, I will not force a relationship that will end up being one-sided. I know where that leads, heartache and hurt. When a guy a willing to put in the effort, I will match his efforts.
So where do I go from here, I let myself stay open to meeting new people, but while staying open I still will be protected by this new found conclusion. Being hurt by a guy isn't always the guys fault, sometimes we need to take a step back and see what we are doing wrong in the situation and try to fix it so that future situations will not end up the same way. If you don't learn from your mistakes you will continue to make them and continue to see the same results. You can't just say,"I hate boys they are all dumb and mean" and then expect the next relationship you have to work out perfectly. One-sided things don't work out. There is no balance. If you start a relationship that is one-sided it will probably end one-sided as well. ie if you are forcing the relationship because you really want and think it will work out, but you are the only one putting in the effort to make it work, you are going to be the only one who gets hurt in the end. So learn from the mistakes you make and change so that you wont make them again.
Break the pattern.
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